Teach Me How To Struggle
How many things do you not understand about the way life has turned out or the way life is? What do you not understand about all things GOD?
I am a question asker, which is both beautiful and dangerous. Beautiful, in that questioning things can help us dig into the deeper things of life. And dangerous because, if we are not careful, we can dig so deep without a rope that it's hard to get out.
As a kid, my parents put their thumbprint of Thankfulness on my life. In all things, gratitude was to be a part of our everyday, moment by moment posture. It worked! As I grew up through my 20’s, the practice of finding things to thank God for all day long seemed to keep my heart in a good space, especially in those first few years of my cancer diagnosis. I remember the day that I began to question if God was really good or not. Was He really the one behind all of the good things, or was some of that me? Ultimately, what does GOD care about? Should I thank Him for EVERY little thing, because what if He wasn’t really a part of that decision?
Once again, questions are both beautiful and dangerous if not dealt with. It started as a small internal gut-check as I would journal things that I was thankful for. I would ask people what they thought, but never really “found my answer”. As time went on, I stopped asking people and just let it lay.
Snap forward a few years and gratitude was not the practice of my heart. Thankfully Jesus was doing other things in my heart during that time, but I had questioned without pursuing resolve for so long that the thankfulness sector of my soul had been turned off.
I am not saying that resolve has to be a definitive answer or a problem solved like 2+2=4.
To be honest, I am still working through some of these curiosities, that turned into questions, that turned into tired unresolve, that turned into a death in a sector of my soul. Yet I will say that my resolve is coming from my refusal to play God. God is either real, or not. God is either good, or not.
I’ve shared this before, but one of my great early mentors Glenn Parrish said a line, as I was going through some of my early questioning, that is just simply powerful and true:
If you’re gonna doubt, then doubt well.
Basically he was inviting me to not just doubt and poke holes in things, but to lean into them and pursue resolve. Ultimately, I come back to this week’s practice all the time. When my ability to define and understand the intensely nuanced mysterious wonder of GOD and His ways falls short, I pray this:
Breathe In: YOU ARE GOD
Breathe Out: I AM NOT
Breathe In: YOU ARE GOD
Breathe Out: YOU ARE GOOD
Piece of art for that’s good for your soul!